Clothing goal attained

I quote me on July 8:

I have this absolutely gorgeous black and dark-green satin chongsam, embroidered all over, that dates back from the 80s... I can't even remember how my ex and I acquired it, but I think I only wore it a few times before I got too big to.  I just tried it on now.  Three months ago I couldn't even have got my shoulders into it; now I can, but it's still too small around the middle.

But I will wear it. I am certain of that.

Ta da!

Oct. 16, 2012 - down 83 lbs.

I am standing in my kitchen where I do all my cooking.  For instance:

IP Masala Tomato Basil Soup

I’ve been on a serious Clubhouse Indian Masala kick lately.  That’s another one of these packaged seasonings made by Clubhouse that I’ve been experimenting with.  They are high-quality in my opinion, even if you can get them at your average supermarket.  The first one I tried was the Greek mix much used by Melissa and Marv—a good sign of things to come.

Anyway, this soup came about when I wondered how the  Indian Masala spice mix would go with IP Tomato Basil soup.  It involves three pans, a lot of garlic, daikon for texture and the trick of adding uncooked onion at the last minute.

1 package IP Tomato Basil Soup, mixed as usual

1 bulb garlic

1 tsp olive oil

Zucchini        \

Daikon             --- chopped, 2 cups

Red pepper

Sweet onion   /

Black pepper to taste

½ tsp curry powder

2 tsp Clubhouse Indian Masala

1 tsp minced garlic

1 tbsp low-carb chicken stock

Steam/boil cauliflower to tenderness.  Divide the bulb of garlic into cloves without removing skins from cloves, scorch in dry frying pan at medium high until they have black patches on all sides.  Saute the other veggies except the onion in the  oil at medium low, adding black pepper, curry powder and masala. When they’re tenderish, add chicken stock and minced garlic.  Take garlic cloves off heat.  Drain cauliflower, add to other veggies.  Turn down to low, add soup.  Peel garlic cloves while soup is heating, add to mix.  Serve into soup bowl, add onions, mix and serve.

If the whole bulb of garlic is too much for you, omit and replace with more daikon, mushrooms, etc.  You can also cut back on the sweet onion so it’s just a soupçon.  This was a total bowl-licker for me and you’re talking to a woman who has always hated tomato soup.

Non IP version: use canned tomato soup and add some basil.  I think.  Can’t try it yet.

How cool is this?  Not only am I going to come away from this diet 100 lbs. lighter, but with a bunch of new recipes. 

Hitting difficulty (Day 159)

Sept. 11, 2012.  Triumphal picture after the Muskoka Novel Marathon raised a record-smashing $15K.  One or two people who saw this shot said they couldn't spot me at first.  Of course, they were trying to spot me by my former girth.  But it no longer stands out.  The three left-most folks are all YMCA staff, including the amazing Nancy West, third from left.  Beside me is my awesome co-convenor, Paula Boon.

This post is the difficult one I promised I'd write ages ago.  But it was mostly written early September.

As of now I am down 70 lbs. (Sorry it's seeming to go backwards.)

I am more inclined to enhance my appearance in other ways, too. I've been very blessed with hand-me-down clothes from a couple of dieting friends, and have made the most of that.  (It helps that Melissa's sense of style is similar to mine.)  I've started using a curl-enhancing product on my hair, and decided to let it keep growing longer to make up for the thinning on top.  I am more likely to pose attractively now.  I wear more jewellery.  Trying to look good no longer seems utterly futile.

I'm in the endgame now, the reward after paying the dues... where five pounds more loss is much more noticeable because it's a bigger portion of what extra fat is left, where muscles and bones that were hidden under fat are emerging, both to sight and to touch.  I rub my hands together because they feel bonier and more tendony.  I palpate my own arms because the biceps are so much easier to feel.  I lay my hand inadvertently on a thigh, feel the muscle and am amazed.

The reactions are going from merely encouraging to astounded.  Before, people would say, "That's great, good for you, keep going!"  Now they say "That's incredible, you look fantastic, you're a transformed person!"  I'm getting more used to the slender version of me in the mirror; I changed my build description on OKCupid from "curvy" to "average."  (I figure average is carrying a bit of extra weight.)

Another common response is "You're disappearing" or "You're wasting away!"  I think there's even a little fear around this one.  I purposely came up with a line to answer it: "It's okay, the parts that count will stick around... the mind... the heart... the bones..."  It works.  They usually do a big laugh and are reassured.

I've even had a person or two tell me I should stop now because I've lost enough.  I generally say "to heck with that!  I want to look like"--pointing at very svelte person--"her."

That sometimes gets a bit of a shocked, even almost offended, reaction.  As if I'm not entitled to be that slender, for some reason.

"Oh yes," Jane (whose other job didn't work out, so she came back to MediSpa) says knowingly, when I tell her about it.  "People will get jealous."

"Don't get jealous!" I want to tell such people.  "Just do it yourself!  Holy crap, why envy when there's an opportunity like this--just grab it!"

But the worst fight is always with ourselves.

First thing I noticed was increased hunger, and stronger urges to cheat.  A kind of rebellion against the regimen, it seemed like... telling myself, I can afford more microcheats!  I stopped using the book for a while... you recall in the last post I mentioned I'd stopped updating it daily.  I left off using it all for a couple of weeks.  Then started again... then stopped, and think it's okay not to use it now.

I was hit with a depression, at least by my current standards (by my previous standards I'd have called it "normal life."  I've figured out ways to make myself happier since then.  The diet is only part of what I have done to transform my life.)  Insomnia again (I have the wake-up-too-early kind, 3 or 4 a.m.), a lot of anxiety and guilt and anger and desire not to work.

Then there was a party, and everyone else was drinking wine... I was having more fatty meats during the week... probably I cheated every day.  The scale hit me with a big fat zero that week... I actually thought I'd sort of got away with it all, in that I hadn't gained.  But none of this was where I wanted to go.  At the beginning I'd planned to lose 5 lbs. a week... but I never quite got that, in truth.  And now I felt I was slowing down.

To find out for sure, I averaged the first 10 weeks, not counting the amazing first water-shedding week (Apr 13-June 22), then the last 10 but one (June 20-Aug 30).  First 10 I lost 3.1 lbs. per week... low but still within the "3-5 lbs. on average" the IP folks promise.  But the second 10, it was only 2.3 per week.

I hit a kind of crisis point emotionally yesterday... almost blowing up at an editor for trying to assign me too many stories, feeling like my life was going off the rails.  I had to take care of myself... needed a good talk with my spirit guides.  If you want to know more about them see here.  I didn't know what was wrong.  If you know how to listen, you can get that which is eternal--your wiser or higher self, some might say--to tell you.

I just call them spirit guides, and they told me:

"Physical attractiveness is an emotional minefield for you. What you’ve done is put your physical attractiveness through the roof.  Part of what is bothering you is resistance to that.  This is why you were cheating last week… you felt like you were hurtling and wanted to stop it for a bit."  (I wouldn't call 2.3 lbs. per week hurtling... well, okay, maybe I would.  I'm used to the standards of other diets.)

Changing this much is confronting.  To other people, yes; but the worst fight is with ourselves.  Just as some others feel at some level that it is not appropriate to me, I feel that myself. I meant to write a "my psychology of fat" blogpost... you'll see it's still there, under construction.  I am glad now that I didn't write it, because I didn't fully understand my own psychology of fat as I do now.

More on this later.

And of course, a recipe.  I thought... broccoli-cheese soup... what goes with broccoli and cheese?  Tomatoes, of course. What spice tastes like tomatoes?  Paprika.  It worked...

Asparagus Paprika Broccoli & Cheese Soup

1 packet IP Broccoli & Cheese Soup, mixed as usual
1 tsp paprika
Asparagus, chopped coarsely                   \  ____ 2 cups
Assorted mushrooms, chopped coarsely  /
¼ cup low-carb chicken stock
1 tsp chopped garlic
½ tbsp facon bits  (fake bacon, that is)
2 slices onion, chopped finely
Sea salt & pepper to taste

Include the paprika when you’re mixing the soup.  (I actually include the salt & pepper too, but that’s because I know how much I’ll like.)  Heat a fry pan up to medium high, sear the asparagus and mushrooms until asparagus is bright green and a little scorched.  Turn down heat to about medium, add chicken stock (step back when you do this).  Idea here is mostly to cool down the pan.  Add garlic, cook for a bit, add facon bits (don’t forget to add their carb content to your count), turn down heat to medium low and add soup, stirring thoroughly.  Add chopped onion (remember, it’s a cheat to cook it; you’re just heating it up a bit.)  Season with salt & pepper and serve.

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