A thousand pardons for not posting in all this time. What has happened is that the diet is no longer this shiny fresh new amazing toy I've got, a top-priority item in my life. It has settled down into a routine and become normal, and other parts of my life have re-affirmed their primacy in my energy and attention.
That does not mean, however, that I do not continue extremely happy with it. At 13 weeks I am down 53 lbs., more than half-way to my 100-lb. goal and still averaging about 4 lbs. loss per week. Every time I catch a glimpse of my shadow on the wall or my reflection in a mirror, I am struck by the squareness of my shoulders or the reclaimed angularity of my face. People notice less than I wish they would--I think they will when I've lost more--but some still notice, and I get lots of "You look fantastic!"
The wardrobe is currently a good news-bad news area. I have no swimsuit that fits properly, but don't want to buy one at the moment for obvious reasons. My granny-underwear are falling off. I am wearing wrap-around and elastic-waisted skirts. I have old stuff that I'm hauling out of the closet because it fits once again. I bought something out of necessity: a totally adjustable belt, else my non-elastic pants are down around my ankles. I have a beautiful purple tunic-top with shoulder-pads and an attached sash, a really science-fictiony thing that is still elegant enough to wear to a formal event. I said mournfully to Melissa, when I was down about 45 lbs., "I don't want to shrink out of this!" She said gently, "I hate to say it, but you already have." Fortunately I have another dear friend who is a costumer, ergo quite a good tailor, and she says she'll take it in for me. I hope it works, because I can't imagine being able to replace it.
Perhaps a year or two ago, I went to the Barrie Value Village and found this beautiful shirt in a two-colour fabric... burgundy with a blue/teal sheen. I whipped it off the rack, tried it on and found to my misery that it was way too small for me, the front panels not coming even within three or four inches of each other, let alone buttonable. Because I couldn't stand not to, I bought it anyway, thinking maybe someday I'll lose weight... even though the voice of sense was telling me Don't be stupid... no you won't. It'll end up in your closet with all those other things that don't fit you.
It fits me now. Still a tad tight, but it buttons. About four weeks ago, before it really fit me, I took it in to show my coaches, telling them the story. They gave me coaches' orders to bring it back in each weigh-in. Last one--yesterday--it fit.
When I was at 40 lbs. or so down, I was carrying one of those 18-litre bottles of spring water up my stairs. They weigh 18 kg, of course, which is about 40 lbs. As I hauled it, I thought to myself, "That's how hard it used to be to walk up these stairs when I was carrying nothing."
When I walk, I feel a bit as if I'm gliding; when I get up from a chair, I feel sort of as if I float up. I walk faster, and have been told I walk more gracefully. I feel as if I am reclaiming mobility, which was one of my reasons for doing this.
Looking at pictures of myself as I was before I started... on my driver's license, my passport, in albums... well, alas, there is disgust there. I ostensibly refused to condemn myself at the time, but at some level I think I did anyway, because it's in our culture. Fat is associated with negative character traits such as greed, selfishness and laziness. (Also jolliness, a stereotype I definitely fit; but it can also mean people not taking you seriously.) It de-sexualizes a woman, taking her out of the mainstream marketplace at least. Our culture has trained our eyes to see fat as ugly, and I've internalized all this as much as everyone else, for all I didn't want to.
The upside, however, is that I love looking at myself in the mirror now. I can never become wrinkle-free as in youth, but it's still like watching years roll back. I weigh now what I did 15 or so years ago. I am blessed with fairly smooth, clear skin and hair that refuses to turn grey other than a few strands at the temples (same as my mother--hers was like that at age 64 when she died). My hair has come to seem more voluminous, in contrast with my less-voluminous face. I was already sometimes being mistaken for mid-30s at the age of 50. It's only going to get better.
The beautiful thing is that once I hit slender, I will wear things I never would have worn the last time I was, when I was in my twenties. I had a severe self-esteem problem then, and I avoided dressing fashionably or even what you would call well. Hating my body, I never dressed to show it off. Here is something I suspect most people don't understand about low self-esteem and appearance: it's not that people with low self-esteem can't be bothered to enhance it, or feel that it's futile. It's that they feel that looking good would be fraudulent, creating a false impression of them as worthwhile people when they are really worthless people. That is certainly what I felt.
But I don't any more, and not only that, but today there are styles that I like and that would suit me as there weren't back then. Like the slender androgynous/athletic look; I am totally going for that. (Melissa looks great in it, but I won't stick to earth tones as she does; I'm more the jewel-colour type.) Or these free-hanging flowing tops based on classical draping that are so in now--they're gorgeous. (I've picked up a few, but I'm shrinking out of them... and I've been too heavy to carry most of the nicest ones.) I plan to dress to show off my body...especially its slenderness... and to sometimes be flashy in an offbeat, artsy but still snappish sort of way. I don't care what anyone thinks, and I no longer feel it's fraudulent.
I do not actually know whether it's possible for me to slim down to well-defined muscularity--though Jo-Ann's words, anything is possible, remain always in my mind--but I have always wanted that, and maybe I'll get back into working out just to attain it.
The one thing I worry about is the post-C-section "apron" tummy. There's a lot of extra skin there, already hanging down over the bikini scar. How much will it tighten up? Exercise would help--not that I'm allowed it, yet--but sometimes it simply doesn't get rid of extra skin. Would I go for surgery? Ehh... I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
My confidence in terms of body image has gone through the roof, and that has pulled up my general confidence and positivity. I am happier than I have ever been in my life.
I have this absolutely gorgeous black and dark-green satin chongsam, embroidered all over, that dates back from the 80s... I can't even remember how my ex and I acquired it, but I think I only wore it a few times before I got too big to. I just tried it on now. Three months ago I couldn't even have got my shoulders into it; now I can, but it's still too small around the middle.
But I will wear it. I am certain of that.
Thanks SK. It really is an amazing thing.
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